For Freedom I'd Die

I was not going to write a blog tonight because of how I am feeling. But here it is anyways. I have been pretty down since Friday. Now Friday night I had a great time, but besides that I just don’t feel right. This may sound a little weird but I think I am suffering from being human. Buddhist say that all life is suffering. They try to find true happiness. I really try very hard to stay positive and to keep on track. But I get into these ruts. It is hard to explain it is kind of like quick sand. You know the harder you struggle to get free, the faster it sucks you in. I look at where I am in my life and I don’t like where I am. I do like the person I am. I just don’t like where I am in my life. It seems like I am serving a prison sentence for being me. No one’s fault that I am where I am but mine, and freedom seems so far away. When I was a teenager we had a saying "F.F.I.D." which meant For Freedom I’d Die. Now at the time I was really into being in the military, but it had lots of meanings to me. The word freedom to me meant freedom from my money struggles, freedom from my health problem, freedom from my loneliness, just freedom from anything that kept me back or down. There are times when I would do anything to stop suffering from being me. I hate that I know what I have to do but don’t. I hate money. I hate being over weight. I hate being alone. I hate being a prisoner of my actions. I fight so hard to make gains in my life but some times they seem for no reason. I moved back in with my Mom to help pay off my debt faster, and that is not happening. I took my car off the road to also help pay off my debt faster, and it is still not happening. My Mom has not even been charging me room and board, and still I struggle with money. I don’t get it! What am I doing wrong? I don’t have very much more to give up. I hate money. I make enough money to get a nice apartment and live on my own, but for some reason I can’t afford it. I feel so helpless and useless. I don’t know if I will ever find freedom from myself.